Not Me
Two years ago I unwittingly created an image for myself and now I'm beginning to regret it. It's not who I am. I'm realizing just how many people think they know me and actually don't. I'm not sad. I'm currently very content with myself, my family, my friends, and my place in life.
I'm not quiet and I'm not reserved, I just find I often have to restrain myself from talking so as not to upset anyone or make myself look bad. Sometimes I just don't feel I have much to say.
When I stand and look at my feet, it's not because I'm trying to hide that I'm upset, it's because I'm thinking about my own things rather than what's around me.
I don't smile constantly like a doofus, most of the time I allow my face to relax and this doesn't mean I'm upset. I just don't feel I need to smile. I'm serious a lot of the time.
At this point in time, I've more or less sorted out my priorities and feel that my life is steadying out and I hate to think that I'm thought of as a sad girl with a poor self-image.
posted by The Deceiver at 7:25 PM
3 Comments:
I do agree that you have made that self-image. I can try and assist you in changing it but the brilliant thing is, not that i won't miss you terribly, but i think it is wonderful for YOU that your're moving... and NO ONE will ever think of you as sad. You get to re-create yourself... starting from the feet up!
good luck!
tty now actually, on AIM
Brilliant, these sort are the heart, the salt, the beauty of your Deceiver (hmm, just realized the irony of that name also regarding present entry...) Blogger.
It's a most worthy cause, to examine oneself (ha, Socrates for instance... "the unexamined life...") I appreciate you sharing that, and although I know your experiences in creating the image and others' clingy perceptions of it are your own, I can relate on several levels.
My parents are constantly nagging what I'm so unhappy about. Last week a friend yelled at me from a few seats down in the auditorium (where we were for lecture class) that I looked like I wanted to kill someone... I had just been looking around casually, listening to someone.
And playing around with my camera-phone today, I made what I thought was a cute, half-smiling face and took its picture. upon looking at it, discovered, of course, that my face was round, highly depressed- borderline angry. I tried that a few times to no avail. Although I'm really going off on a tangent from your original, much more intriguing idea, but I was thinking what a nightmare it would be to always have a face that reflected the opposite of the current emotion - how truly terrifying- much worse, indeed, than having that frequent complaint,"a naked face."
I know this doesn't really have much to do with the soul of what you've said (which i thought was a rather personal examination), but I need to bring this up. It's bizarre how well we know each other and yet with this issue (understanding emotions), we often don't understand... did you notice? I'm frequently annoyed at what I see as your grumpiness or depression, and you're always asking me if I'm mad, sad, or crying when my eyes aren't watering and I'm sending no such signals... Let's sort this out.
Ah, there I go again- I've made a beautiful entry of yours a criticism of all involved with a nonexistent (?) problem. I dunno. I'm sorry. I was really pleased to see your entry because it was intriguing and beautiful. So you may safely ignore this non sequitor remark (now that you've gotten all the way through it..haha).
Hey, I feel kind of hurt, incidentally (joking of course) .. but surprised nonetheless that you have made no mention of the superb weekend (do you recall?) that you spent with me just a week ago. and all the lovely characters of that happy, recent time... tanya, the Poet, Kolya (or should I spell that with a "c"?), the Cat, the hot tub, the roof, the Dark, the Old, Cool people of the 60's ... the guy who smiled at my hat, and as you see, my memory's far too good... ha, actually i was thinking of those as I went along and realized how much goes forgotten and unrecorded so often.
Knowing you well, I'm sure you're just going to come back at me with the fact that i haven't yet forwarded you the pictures... Well, as you see, the comp. is now back in my hands - the pics will soon be in yours. (virtually)
I love you dear braht (i added the hache so that it wouldn't spell "brat", as you well understand...)
Chmoks and happy exclamations with a stony face,
be assured that your life is now well worth living, probe ever deeper and i-don't-think-such-a thing-is-usually-followed-by-my name-as-a-signature-but nonetheless-here-it-is,
Alisa
I'm not quite positive on this point, but this may be longer than your entry. A record, to be sure.
The reason I didn't write about last weekend was because
a) I don't like giving play by plays of my daily activites
b) It would sound stupid in writing and
c) No one wants to read about what happens to me unless it's unusual or funny.
But if you really want it, here it is:
Last weekend I visited Alisa and my Godmother is State College. After a three and a half hour car ride, I arrived at Alisa's apartment. We greeted everyone, had some conversation and went to Tanya's house taking Alisa and Alyosha with us. For dinner at Tanya's, we had fish and salad. Alisa and I spazzed for a few hours and agreed to meet halfway accross the golf-course the next morning at 10:20. The next morning I awoke at 9:00 and took a shower. For breakfast I had yogurt and honey. I left the house at approximately 9:50 and set out for Alisa's house. About halfway there, I recieved a call from Alisa saying that she would leave in five minutes. I cursed her out and went on. It was very cold and windy that morning. For a short time, a man in a black coat was following me and I ran for part of the way. I was practically on Alisa's doorstep when I met her. We went to downtown to a sparring seminar. Blah Blah Blah...
You see how boring that would be? I had fun but reading that makes me want to fall asleep.
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