I Cry. Why Not? It's Free.
I'm broken.
posted by The Deceiver at 8:02 PM
Monday, April 17, 2006
Friedrich Nietzsche
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Алёшка- брат мой
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летние поля
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мост
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желтый
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оранжевые грибы
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Zelda Fitzgerald
7 Comments:
It always amazed me how so much can be said using so little(words). That’s another cool thing about your Blog, every time I see it there is something great(unlike some others who update with nothing to say). I wanted to ask if I could put a link to your Blog from my Blog, If you’d rather not that’s cool. I hope you’re not broken too badly, everybody is broken in 1 way or another; As long as you have the right music nothing is as bad as it seems(Trust me, I know).
TheJDman
“Living is easy with eyes closed”
-By, well you know by who
i'm so sorry about that maria
and sorry i didnt react sooner in english... it looked like you wrote hold not told and i was like, WTF why did u try and hold the kid
i wish i made fruit salad in cups, nah tess and i made a kick as huge ass fruit salad for soccer breakfast
cheer up kid... most of us atleast, will go through that... unfortunatly more than once
i'm proud of you too... for giving it a shot
Thank you for letting me link to your page, and thank you for creating a Blog worth viewing. I wish I could tell you that your readership will increase by a significant amount because of the link but I don't it will help much in that area, I don't exactly have a large reader base myself. That kind of gets depressing at times, but that again I realize you never know who's reading your Blog; you never know who will see your Blog and be inspired by it or will come across it and take a second to think about something you write/show on your Blog(they're right, I'm no motivational speaker. Oh well.) that gets attention.
Thank you again
theJDman
Dear M, I don't know what to say, I've been broken too, how could it be otherwise? I do not know if you got my message, but
since I left it, you cannot imagine how desperately I have been wanting to reach you. Ya ne nahodila sebe mesta on Thursday
and Friday, and needed so badly to know how you were. This probably does not mean a lot to you, but I prayed. And when I
called, I hoped to find how you were, but all I found is that you were not better and I was overwhelmed, although I knew that's
how it would be. I thought you needed space. so I waited again. But then I started to think you were mad at me about the other thing, and I was lost because I wanted to speak to you of what had happened. I was worried sick and I was told so many of the wrong things. I can sense the impact, whether or not its such a "big deal," but I am hurt that you did not choose to share it with me. On the other hand, if that is what you need now, it doesn't matter. Just as it doesn't that I'm supposed to keep my distance, etc etc BS because, at this point, if I can't reach you by phone I must reach you otherwise. and whether you need me helping at this point in your life or not, I need to tell you somehow that I am still here, and still waiting, and sharing your pain. (it cannot be much use to you, as a burden is lessened when shared openly, right?) But from my side, that's how I feel, having gone through all the "griefs and ordeals of exile"... I miss you Masha, and whether you decide to include me in this, or call when you are better, you must know that miss you very very very much, sestra, I love you and I worry for you until I vibrate, shake, and my stomach hurts.
It's not only that thing that happened. Although it did hurt an awful lot. It was you, you know how we always depended on each other. No matter what, we were there. It's like you said that thing about the hurricane, only with you and me at the center. The things that happened outside, although sometimes painful, they were on the outside and we always had each other to fall back on. It's because of you I've never really had a real friend. Sure, I have people I like and get along with at school but I never had friends, I never needed them -- I had you. We're completely different people but it's like you and I are the same. You understand me better than anyone else, even if sometimes that frustrates me. And I know you. And I know our friendship isn't like those of others, I hate you, I love you and I can't live without you. It's less a friendship for me, and more of a dependency, an addiction. And we've made decisions for each other before, that's how we are. And when you told me that I had no write to tell you what to do-- it hurt, you chose someone else's opinion over mine. You don't trust me? All I want is for you to be happy and for you to do the right thing because when you hurt, I hurt. I really needed to come to State College this weekend. Not only for you but for me as well. I need to get away right now. I'm the unhappiest I've been in ages. And what makes it worse is that I don't have you to talk to. I'm so alone. I find myself trying to share my feelings with anyone who will listen and I'm afraid this isn't doing much good for my other relationships.
This is exactly what I have been afraid of. You have these other people at school who you call your friends. I just don't see how in several months these people seem to have developed the same kind of status it took 13 years for us to establish. It's as if you don't even need me anymore because you have these people and they aren't just words on a screen or a voice over the phone, they're there in person. It's wrong, and I know it, but I wish you didn't have friends because when you do, I lose value.
You can't imagine how grateful I am you replied, and with what I see is a great deal of honesty. Your writing is painfully beautiful, and that is because it contains much bitterness and also much truth. I read it twice because there's a lot in it, and I think over it infinitely for the same reason and more. There is nothing with which I wouldn't agree, and much of it clarifies what I had suspected in regard to your perejivaniya, experiences, emotions. Can I try to explain to you in turn what I've thought of these things?
...You mentioned dependency and addiction and that really resonated with me - I feel that. And like I told you the day after the disastrous "date" (quote-unquote), I feel sometimes like I need to be free, liberated from something. I would say there are two of the closest relationships in my life - that with you and that with my father- where I connect with the person at some phenomenal frequency, and yet there is so much pain in those relationships and argument and incessant problems because of some fantastical spiritual collisions (wasn't sure what to call it).
These are two relationships that are very valuable to me, but also extremely frustrating. Because like anyone, I want to be free to explore, and make decisions for myself, and be respected. And like most relationships with true love, there is, in result, a
desire or need to control and be close to the person in so many ways. So you and my dad in many ways control my behavior, directly or indirectly. Even my mind. It's an exhausting and very taxing thing. And I'm sure there are many ways in which I similarly intervene in your life where you don't want me to. You've told me so yourself.
Recently, I've been trying to break free of what I've thought to be unhealthy traps. I don't think it's been an entirely conscious
attempt to extricate myself. I've found that I will never cure myself of dependency on you... and I have yet to overcome the "addiction." I've found the strength though (I'm not proud of these things, but if I'm honest they were part of my venturing out to explore an independency) ... recently to tell my father I hated him and shake him and not pick up the phone when you called.
They are not grand things on a global scale. But they were huge for me. Very painful and unsuccessful attempts at liberation. I was approaching from the wrong side. It was destructive rather than restructuring or rejuvenating. But it was an experiment. Not a conscious one of course, but an accidental, surprising for myself, manifestation of what I was undergoing and what I had been hurting from in those relationships. You know what I'm saying.
When you were talking of coming to State College, you were still very upset about what had happened. Understandably. I was very excited for you to be coming, I had been telling everyone about it and had been awaiting it. But that day when we talked, you were still upset about the "other thing" and what you were saying and how you were saying it ... like the fact that I'd look a mess if you didn't tell me exactly what to do... made me get on the defensive, and tell you that I didn't need that control. (fitting in with above) You said I was egotistical, but that's understandable, since this was my "vipusknoi ball" and of course, I had been looking forward to it, like you, to take my mind off of things. I never chose someone else's opinion over yours, I simply wanted to be, for my own, my first and only high school dance, at the center of the proceedings. And like you said, it wasn't just for me then, it was for you. I could feel that, so naturally I was really defensive. I knew, too, that if you were to come, I would need to, I would want to, and i would have no other choice, but to help you in your own crisis. I had neither the opportunity (I would be gone the whole time you were here), nor the nastroi I suppose, to confront that. I think you understand.
Finally - last, but most important - my new friends. They are my friends. You say they are people who I call my friends but they are friends indeed. I know this because they support me in many ways, and they are interesting to me, I care for them and they are, I think, worthy of being your friends also (this means a lot to me). Their status (which you are right, they've developed in the past several months), is that of friends. I wouldn't say it's too much to become a friend with someone in that course of time.
You, Maria, are not my friend. You are my sister. I need you like a sister. And obviously, that makes you absolutely irreplaceable. This is one thing that I cannot understand in our relationship - you know so much about me, I believe you genuinely care for me, and yet you cannot see this simple fact - you are the one and only Maria. You are the only one for this place in my life. I need you in my life.
But I need other people also. You have (or have had) friends in your life that played similar roles - (ie Chris, Cammie, Ian, i dunno...) that you could spend time with and truly valued for different reasons. I'll admit that I had a white jealousy about them (since I haven't had, up till this point anyone at even that "status" since Vignatha in seventh grade). But I was truly happy for you, and I sought to get to know them and be friends with them in turn.
These are all, I'm sure, things you know at heart. I need you to accept the fact that I need space sometimes also, and the fact that I can be an asshole (well, you've lived with this one for years). Masha, our friendship, sisterhood... nevermind, cross those both... our relationship (unique and indescribable) cannot be about victory, addiction, or jealousy. And I don't think that it is - at the core. Three of your sentences ( "I'm the unh... so alone") could as easily have been mine. I'm alone too, without you. Maria, I need you to set me free, maybe like Ingrid does for Astrid... only not for separation, but so that we can grow closer.
Anyway,
I'm here for you. If you are alright with me calling you tell me -and I will call you tomorrow. Tell me the time. If you want me to stay the hell away, I can do that too. But God knows, it's prolonging the agony.
through love, disaster becomes good fortune. through love, a prison becomes a garden. Maria, after despair, many hopes flourish, just as after darkness, Thousands of Suns open and Start to Shine. I send many brilliant suns your way, because I love and will love you no matter what.
You should probably call me.
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