Thoughts

I've been thinking a bit about life lately. What it is and Why people are always unhappy (the Truth is -- I don't know. What makes people happy? What makes me happy? I have no clue. I just know it isn't Colorado).

Shit, this is hard. Life is so big and scary. I love it because it's so mysterious but I hate because I don't know what it is and I can't plan it. And I want to know where God is and why He isn't helping us deal with all of this Life. I can see how so many people could just spend their lives thinking about it. There's so freaking much! You might think you've got the general picture but there are all of these knooks and crannies. Eventually, most people just choose a certain one and spend the rest of their time in there.

It hard to tell when people are really miserable or are just making themselves so. It's easy to assume they're doing it to themselves. You have to open their mouths and climb inside their brains to figure them out. People just don't get each other. People just don't get themselves, either. None of us can accurately describe ourselves, we all see ourselves one way but really are another way. It's as if our real selves are these omnipotent observers of us -- we can't see ourselves but our selves can see us. It's so confusing. So what does it mean to "be yourself"? People keep telling me to "be myself" and I don't know what that "self" is. Who am I? The closest to an answer that I've gotten so far is that my "self" is the person I am when I don't think about me. It's only logical that you'll be the True You when you don't think about it.

Now I'm Going to Complain

I thought this was going to get better and it isn't. I'm still very lonely and I've managed to scare away all of the people who tried to be nice to me. All of you say I should just be outgoing and nice but you have no idea how hard it is for me to put myself out there like that. I physically get sick from the mere thought of it. I try my hardest to be nice to the people who do talk to me but I still get the impression they don't really like me. I'm just a pity case to them all - the girl with no friends. I have no idea what to do. I'm so sad at this school, I just don't know what to say to people. There's so many of them. I'm beginning to hate them all for just being there. I'm beginning to hate myself for saying the things I say and doing the things I do. I miss my friends, I want them to be here and I know they can't be here. I'm all alone in this miserable state. I'm so clueless when it comes to people my age. I feel like such an outcast among them.

Yes, Snow in September.

I think that unless you can see the Rockies from your house, Colorado is basically the most pointless place you can live. Without the mountains, Colorado is just- well- Nebraska.

So, I've decided I'm not going to be negative about this. Much easier on the nerves. I just have to buckle down focus on school. Maybe get a job or something. I need to find stuff to do.

My dad and I went up to the mountains yesterday. It was pretty great. It snowed. Actually it was amazing. It was still summer in Boulder and on the drive up it was fall. When we got there it was winter. I realized just how much I hate summer. I missed the smell of winter. That clean, cold smell. I missed how even your chin freezes. How snowflakes get caught in your eyelashes and when you blink, your eyes get cold. I missed the pure, fresh taste of snow. I was so happy.

My Apologies

So, I know I came off as a bit snotty in yesterday's post, but you have to understand, I really am quite miserable here. This past week, I've dealt with my share of humiliation and misfortune. In order to make myself feel better about it, I choose to look at it all in a condescending sort of way. A bit like a protective shield.

I'm just a bit negative about this entire situation for the time being. I can't see how this all can be fair, for this whole moving thing to turn out so badly. But then again; life ain't fair, baby.

I'm hoping things will start to look up for me. I mean, they're bound to, aren't they? It just can't keep on going like this, can it? I'm not really so horrible a person that I can't make friends. I've managed to make them in the past, and the ones I've made have proven to be some of the most delightful, loyal, and loving people I know. It really can not be possible for there to not be some people who wouldn't mind being my friends in this city.

Even My Computer Hates Colorado

I've spent the last two hours trying to hack into my own site.

So I've been here almost three weeks and I'm still not warming up to the place. It's a pretty depressing state, to tell the truth. Public school has proven to be worse than I thought, and my expectations weren't very high.

People in this city try too hard. There's so much pressure to be cool, I thought only teenagers acted like this. Their liberalism is constituted of them continuously complaining about the government and smoking pot like it's the 1960s.

My first week at Fairview High School has been pure, untainted hell. I'm basically a loner, and I hate it. I miss my dear private school. My teachers assure me that the classes I am taking are going to be difficult, but that's not what the textbooks say. I'm in Pre-IB Geometry Honors and we're learning what absolute values are, it's absolutely ridiculous.