Worthless
I didn't think human contact was so crucial. I just want to disappear and wait the whole thing out. I wish I didn't have to experience any of this. I can't stand being rejected anymore. I'm so weak. I can't help but think that the person I am now is who I've been all along. I've just been yanked from the environment in which I felt more or less comfortable and dumped where I'm neither comfortable nor accepted. I'm like a turtle without its shell. I want to scream to them -- to tell them -- that what they see isn't who I am but what this has made me but I feel completely defenseless against their pity. I have nothing -- no one -- to hide behind. I have nothing to fall back on. I'm just nothing. No one.
posted by The Deceiver at 9:56 PM
7 Comments:
You are not disappearing.
You are not rejected.
You are not pitied.
You are not criticized.
You are not defenseless.
You are not nothing or no one.
Mantras have a way of becoming reality
Choose a new one and choose a new
reality, a new life.
Even negative statements won't work, so You must be "defended, everything, accepted" - positive energy dude.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
But I expect you knew that already.
i hate to feel i'm incapable of sympathy. i'm not, i'm not. i pray for you, your happiness, even though, statistically that's harmful (?) but my prayers are good. and you must know i went through the same (somewhat, i know your situation is harder... but the sense of discomfort, dump, yank is similar). i'm scared, too, of thinking i was always this way - weak, vulnerable.
then i found this idiotic book next to dyer's in b&n. it annoyed hell out of me but it was all about positive energy. so from the beginning of december, i chose to be all positive-positive girl. it was great. then last night i did something that made alyosha cry and scream. and then he was still crying just remembering it today. and my parents were crying. and i cried a bit too. so this thing i did, i can't help but feeling it's suppression that burst. i still feel good about the positive energy thing. like it's working but i gotta adjust something. but according to both Osho and the columnist (Touber) whose article about pricking is at the end of the last Ode, you gotta FEEL your feelings but not BE them.
I wish i could be like you (you are in this way unique in my life of everyone i know) be a support by sympathizing the right way. All i can do is describe my parallel journey to you.
my experiences might not even be able to help you. but just take it from me, this is the best i can do, it's just trying to extend a warm hand from under my frozen icy heart. that's really the way i feel an emotional block. i still love you though.
ПРИЕЗЖАЙ НА НОВЫЙ ГОД!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could say something here but I won't. Let me just ask you a question(and I don't expect an answer), "Is everybody shutting you out, or is it the people you want to hang out with?"
There is a difference. That's not ment to be a talking down tone but it is what it is. I can tell you there is always somebody, they may be somewhere where you can't contact them... but they are there. During the last few years I've had nothing but time to think about life.
theJDman
P.S. I know I'm not a "friend" but it would seem to me that beside myself, 2 others left a comment on this topic. And I'm sure with the whole Internet to waste time on, most won't take the time to write anything. Stay Strong and Talk Hard.
I feel like the person I am is the person I've been all along but I don't know what that is because I pose too much to know.
I don't know what to say, so I'm not going to pretend to ... I'm not sure.
But I hope you feel better and I miss you a lot and I love you.
you can't rely on other people
you're the thing most permanent in your life
why dont u scream out to them... literally...
its better than disapearing
and are you really not-accepted
or do you not accept yourself for what you've become in Colorado
because from what i see, although you have no actual friends, guys are liking you and following you around, you are not brutallized or made fun of at school, numerous girls made efforts to be your friends
a lot of this is in your head
be stronger
Huh? What guys? What girls? They weren't trying to be my friends, they just felt bad for me.
I don't want to be independent. People weren't meant to live like this, we aren't fish, we need other people.
All of this "you can only rely on yourself" talk is really getting to me.
If you're sitting in a deep hole with no ladder, there's no way to get out of it unless someone who's no in the hole helps you. And if my entire family is sitting in the same hole I'm sitting in, I really have no hope of getting out of it especially since all of my friends are 2,000 miles away from the hole I'm in.
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