Not Me

Two years ago I unwittingly created an image for myself and now I'm beginning to regret it. It's not who I am. I'm realizing just how many people think they know me and actually don't. I'm not sad. I'm currently very content with myself, my family, my friends, and my place in life.

I'm not quiet and I'm not reserved, I just find I often have to restrain myself from talking so as not to upset anyone or make myself look bad. Sometimes I just don't feel I have much to say.

When I stand and look at my feet, it's not because I'm trying to hide that I'm upset, it's because I'm thinking about my own things rather than what's around me.

I don't smile constantly like a doofus, most of the time I allow my face to relax and this doesn't mean I'm upset. I just don't feel I need to smile. I'm serious a lot of the time.

At this point in time, I've more or less sorted out my priorities and feel that my life is steadying out and I hate to think that I'm thought of as a sad girl with a poor self-image.

Dinner.

Here I am, highly caffeinated.

So many people at my school make judgments based upon clothing and physical appearance. I have maybe five people come up to me everyday and tell me what I'm wearing and sharing with me their opinions. I just want to scream in their faces "I DON'T FREAKING CARE!!" Clothing really doesn't matter much to me. I wear what I wear and I don't really think further than that. I don't seriously contemplate what I put on and after it's on I don't think about it at all. I had a girl come up to me today and say "Maria, you're wearing a brown shirt." Do you really need to tell me? What, I can't see for myself what the hell I'm wearing? I hate when people state the obvious.

I miss Puerto Rico. I'll live there one day, not forever, but for a little bit. I didn't like going with the class, they took us to the wrong places. It was dirty. When I was there at Christmas, it was so beautiful, so tropical. Everything tasted, looked, felt and smelled tropical. I want to go back and feel that again, feel like I'm part of nature. I feel so dirty in the city, surrounded by power plants and sidewalks. I want to be beautiful again. I want to be part of the Earth.

Hello, Community College!

I just got my midterm grades back, and well, they're ok. I got a 96 in English that I'm pretty happy with. The rest of my grades are Bs though. I mean, I know, Bs aren't great, but it's not like I'm failing, or even average, you know?

Anyways, my mom, upon hearing this, went crazy. I'm a C-student, I'm going to community college because no Harvard or even any decent school is going to accept me with grades like these (note: I'm not planning on even applying to Harvard and I have three-and-a-half-freaking-years to raise my stupid GPA and decide to which freaking college I want to freaking go to). So my life is going nowhere and I'm going to end up being poor and wishing I had gotten an A on my 9th grade Physics midterm.